Blogroll
14 Feb 10 “Soulmates” - an utterly unromantic concept
I though Valentine’s day would be a good day to debunk a concept that I find utterly unromantic and unspiritual: the traditional concept of “Soulmates”, in the shape of finding “The One”, or a “twin soul”.
There are a couple of reasons why I find the concept of soulmates to be unromantic:
It’s all about the ego
So someone else exists for the sole purpose of being your mate and make you happy? Is it just me that finds that idea completely egotistical and narcissistic? It is effectively demoting someones existence to be little more than a validator of your own ego. Is that really love, or is it an expression of narcissism combined with a deep-seated insecurity? I would say definitely the latter.
If you’re broken, no one else is going to fix you
An other common theme is finding someone to “make you whole”. Let me put it bluntly: if you feel that something is missing in your existence, that you are unhappy with yourself and think someone else can come along and fix it, you’re going to be disappointed.
People who are insecure and unhappy with themselves make lousy partners, and if they are looking for someone else to fix them, they are downright poisonous - they will need constant validation that will still never be quite enough to make them feel happy. They will either be overly clingy, or move from partner to partner, trying to find something, someone to fix something for them that only they themselves can fix.
If you’re broken, no one else is going to fix you, change has to come from within. To be able to love, you need to first love yourself.
Pre-destination rather than control of your own destiny
The idea that you are pre-destined to be with someone is giving a quasi-religious explanation for something that is little more than a hormone induced drunkenness.
It robs you of control of your own life and makes you a slave to your own hormones. Do you really want to be a slave to the short-termism and fickleness of your hormones and be little more than an instinct driven mammal? Or do you want to be in control of your own life?
Besides, the “love hormones” can only last for about 18 months, and there is a very good evolutionary reason for this: it is just enough time to go through a full pregnancy and keep the man around to protect and provide for the woman and infant during the most vulnerable post-pregnancy time.
What ACTUALLY is spiritual and romantic
In summary, I find the traditional concept of pre-destined “soulmates” to be unromantic and unspiritual because it is an expression of egotism, narcissism and insecurity while at the same time robbing you of control of your own life.
Personally, I believe that emotionally mature people can mutually build deep, lasting spiritual and intellectual connections with people that they chose and are compatible with. Connections that are built on the reality of what the other person is, rather than the unrealistic fantasy of the personal angel you want someone else to be for you. Connections that are built on mutual respect and understanding rather than the need for your own ego to be validated.
That is something that makes us rise above being simple, instinctive animals, something that is a lot closer to true love and something that is a lot more spiritual and romantic than the alternative.
